On this Valentine’s Day, comedian, writer and actress (Always Be My Maybe) Ali Wong drops her third stand-up special, Don Wong, and, in her trademark way, spares no one, including herself. In a set at the Count Basie Theater in New Jersey, Wong — in a leopard-print minidress by Tom Ford — humps, howls and foulmouths her way through the ups and downs of relationships, giving her take on everything from sex and gender roles to what sounds like a very exciting future date she’s got planned for herself and Michael B. Jordan.

We revisit her sharpest love and life lessons from her latest special below:

Advice for straight men who are highly favored: “You should feel so lucky, so flattered, so blessed and highly favored, if you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked by a woman that makes a lot more money than you. Because out of all the things this important woman could be doing with her valuable time, all of her responsibilities, all the interesting opportunities and deals knocking on her door, but no!"

Advice for the long-marrieds: “Your wife gonna boss you around. And you would know that if you watched House Hunters. House Hunters is a show on HGTV where a couple pretends that there’s a decision to be made together. And they go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses, and the audience is meant to be left in suspense. Oh, which house are they going to choose? It’s whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, OK!? And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho, or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed where houses cost $5,000 an acre… Barbara, she don’t got money, power, or respect, but Barbara is a woman, and all women are very good at being extremely unpleasant and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage until we get what we fucking deserve!"

Advice for immigrant women in their 80s: “My mom doesn’t understand, she can’t relate to these feelings of wanting to fool around outside of marriage because she’s an immigrant woman who was born in 1940, her world is a lot smaller than mine. The only men my mother has had an actual conversation with are my brother and my dad. I, on the other hand, have met the entire cast of The Avengers. And I want all of them to cum on my face.”

Advice for single people who someday, maybe, might have a child: “Only other married people with kids can empathize with the deep envy I feel towards you single people, OK! You don’t know how free you are. You can eat an edible at 2 p.m., go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth! You don’t got to bring a giant backpack with little ziplock baggies of goldfish and toy cell phones! You just go! With what’s in your pockets! You single people, you don’t know what it’s like to eat a cold quesadilla that your toddler threw on the floor, because it’s easier to put it in your mouth than travel to the trash, while you repeat to yourself over and over, that child abuse is ILLEGAL!”

Advice for monogamous moms: “People don’t like it when women cheat, you know, and they’ll really turn on because they feel betrayed, especially if you’re a mom. It’s too contrary to your wholesome, loving image. And that’s why I’m trying to let all of you know now — that I’m a real piece of shit, OK. I want you to really listen to me and understand this and believe me, so that you’re not shocked or surprised, so that you don’t abandon me when you see the TMZ video of my face getting firehosed by Michael B. Jordan while I chant ‘Wakanda Forever!’”